Duncan found out half a year ago. Kind of by accident, and at Thanksgiving. You and Tolouse were arm wrestling and you said “you fiend” exactly the way you do when Tolouse is Powermad before slamming his fist into the table. Duncan hadn’t been entirely cool with it, but you guys had laughed it off during the meal when your mother got involved.
You and Tolouse kind of chilled for like two months after that, but the people got nervous around Valentines day when Tolouse didn’t do his morose ‘I’m single boo hoo’ bank heist for the first time in five years, and after that it was game-on again. The townspeople don’t know who you are, so Duncan obviously didn’t tell them. Maybe he thought it was funny, the Mayor’s two crazy brothers stirring up trouble. He started billing both you and Tolouse for every bit of damage, but hey. Your brother’s the mayor, he’ll help you pay off your debts to the town.
But now this is awkward.
“I’m a shapeshifter,” Tolouse covers quickly after he’s been unmasked. He’s held in a kneeling position in the town square by this upstart vigilante who just moved in from Boston (of course it’d be a Masshole) suited up in Lululemon and Patagonia.
It would have been funny, except every single person now knows Tolouse is identical to their Mayor.
The shapeshifter bit is smart.
“Superpowers aren’t real,” the baker snaps, but she looks unsure.
“I’ll take him to the mayor and get this all sorted out,” you offer, because you’re the best brother in the whole world.
Tolouse has big grateful eyes. You will have his X-Box for this save.
You’re walking toward him, but -newly dubbed- Super Masshole gets in your way. “The Mayor might be in on it, Mighty Man.”
The Mayor is definitely in on it, but it’s getting less funny the longer this drags out.
“I’ll bring him to jail then,” you would roll your eyes but Super Masshole might see you do it through your goggles. You control your facial reaction. You’re great at damage control, been doing it for five years in the town, and for a lifetime at family holidays.
“Corrupt Mayor Hires Supervillain to Terrorize Town,” the head of the free supermarket rag that doubles as a ‘local newspaper’ if you read between the articles about crab people and 5G is practically frothing at the mouth. The headline is terrible, but he can print it before 5pm so it’s also lethal.
“Powermad isn’t on the Mayor’s payroll,” you say confidently, and only realize your mistake when the crowd turns their gaze on you.
“Are you on the Mayor’s payroll?” The banker is glaring at you. She tried to date your sister once and you might or might not have made it harder for them by letting the air out of her tires. But that was high school, no way she’s still holding a grudge. “Isn’t the Mayor a triplet?”
Her eyes say ‘you cost me my chance at your hot sister, now perish’ and you might have to re-evaluate.
The crowd is rabbling about what to do with the both of you. Tolouse is wondering if maybe the joke has carried on too long and, now that you look, your wife has shown up. She has her phone out.
She’s filming you.
“That guy looks surprisingly like my husband,” she tells the crowd, “but that other guy looks surprisingly cute in spandex.”
You put your fists on your hips and puff out your chest.
“Ma’am I’m married,” you say with as much conviction as you can. She grins at you. You flex. She once told you she could recognize you by your bicep muscles alone. She blows you a kiss. Tolouse gags like he isn’t a grown ass man.
“He’s your husband, my brother,” Tolouse says immediately, because being the middle child makes you a sociopath.
“You would say that,” your wife reminds the crowd with a flamboyant wave of her hand, “he’d frame his whole family if it meant he didn’t go to jail alone. Here, call me if I have to bail my husband out of jail. This is disrupting my whole schedule.” She turns on a sensible heel and heads toward the parking lot.
You’d marry her again if you could.
“I’m so single,” Tolouse complains and a couple of the people working at the bank look sharply around like those words are someone’s Ultimate in Overwatch.
“I’ll take him in myself!” Super Masshole is not reading the room.
“You’ll have to carry me, because I’m not going anywhere!” Tolouse sneers, and sits down on the pavement petulantly.
Super Masshole just. Just-
Just picks him up.
In a bridal carry.
“Uh,” says Tolouse intelligently, and frighteningly a lot like how you said ‘uh’ when your wife did a full split during her dance routine when you first met her.
“Nuthin’ else to say huh?” Super Masshole is smug, and you can’t help but picture him at Thanksgiving. He might be able to beat you at pushups for dishwashing.
You have a bad feeling Tolouse is thinking the same thing.
“There you are, hero!” And across the square, saving your asses as always is your brother, dressed as Powermad. Except he’s slightly less beefy than Tolouse. His fitbit isn’t synced with yours for steps and accountability, and he doesn’t do pushups against you for who has to wash dishes at Thanksgiving. He neverhas to wash dishes because he’s the oldest and gets first pick of the chores.
“You fiend!” You point at your nemesis, and the man who got into college first so he was definitely Dad’s favorite before you got married. “This person claims to be you!”
“He is not me!” Duncan tries not to look like he doesn’t jog regularly as he powerwalks toward you and Tolouse. When Allison gets old enough to walk Duncan’ll catch up on the leg muscles at least but for now he looks like a golfer trying to run a marathon.
Super Masshole doesn’t know what to do, which is the only way to shut a Masshole up at all. He’s still holding Tolouse like his weight is negligible.
“How much do you bench?” Tolouse asks, helpless against bare arms.
“A lot,” Super Masshole tells him with that horrible Boston smugness. “A ton.”
Duncan looks at you sharply, and Tolouse’s spare mask doesn’t fit him right, but it is doing the trick to divert attention from Tolouse and you.
“I am Powermad!?” Duncan shouts like it’s a question, absolutely zero conviction. Tolouse almost loses focus for the sole purpose of critiquing him.
Ah, but your wife has pulled up in the SUV. You and Duncan look at each other seriously, then turn and bolt in opposite directions. Tolouse stays in Masshole’s arms. You thought you’d been on the same wavelength.
“I’ll call you, okay?” Tolouse says abruptly when your wife honks.
“What?” Super Masshole is blindsided as Tolouse vaults out of his arms with an amazing full body roll, landing on the ground and bolting for your SUV. Out of the corner of your eye you see your wife’s red SUV peal out with Tolouse tumbled into the backseat, and with Duncan laboriously running toward Tolouse’s apartment and you bee-lining toward the Mayor’s assigned parking space. You’ve managed to avoid disaster.
At least until Thanksgiving.