Funnily enough, this wasn’t Ash’s first time being a cat. When she had been in second grade, then-best-friend Quincy had convinced her they were both cats trapped in human bodies. They had meowed and hissed and licked themselves and generally been Those Girls.
She was meowing much less as a real cat.
That might in part be because Ash had been screaming at the top of her lungs when she became a real living, fur-covered cat and she wasn’t about to stop because her vocal cords were different now.
“You have to calm down,” the rescue cat begs, sitting loafed in her carrier as Ash shrieks her way around the small enclosed office.
“I didn’t do anything!” Ash continues to scream at the top of tinier but somehow more powerful lungs. Her words sound like she sucked in helium and then tried to belt Adele. “I don’t want to be a cat!”
“Aww,” the metal door at the end of the room opens and a frankly embarrassingly handsome man walks in. He coos and squats down, his pants pulling across distractingly muscular thighs as he reaches his fingers out and rubs them together enticingly. He has a trustworthy face: Plush lips, sharp taper fade, clean shaven, clear eyes.
Ash finds herself quiet and halfway across the room creeping towards him when whatever’s left of her human brain catches up to her cute little toe beans. She stops dead in her tracks.
“Aw, no.” Stupidly handsome man flashes nice teeth at her and reaches into his pocket, revealing a small nugget of something that smells heavenly.
Ash is already eating it out of his fingers by the time she can think about how undignified it is. Or that it’s probably animal byproducts.
“Oh my god,” Ash whispers to herself as she pulls away from him. “I ate it out of his hand.”
“Yes, your life is so hard,” the man agrees fondly. “Who is a pretty girl?”
“Figures a sexy man would call me pretty when all that’s left of me is pussy,” Ash tells him sourly and isn’t prepared for him to break.
He laughs in a burst, like he wasn’t expecting it, rocking back and away from her, falling onto his butt on the linoleum and choking on spit.
He wheezes for a good thirty seconds while Ash finds herself wanting to know if he understood her more than if she can fit under a nearby table in embarrassment.
“I am begging you to at least try to meow correctly,” he snorts, covering his mouth and wiping his face to compose himself. “I am pleading.” He wipes his eyes and looks at Ash again, this time the laughter hasn’t left him but at least he’s not giggling and choking on her sense of humor. ‘I’m breaking so many rules talking to you.”
“You can understand me,” Ash accuses, and the sexy COMPLICIT man raises his hands placatingly.
“Yes, I can. I’m not supposed to talk to people who got Cat Karma’d.”
“I didn’t do anything!” Ash shrieks again and this time even over the words she can hear herself yowling.
“Shh shh!” He reaches out and she cringes away, but he pets her gently and doesn’t pick her up so despite her best efforts she finds herself calming down. “Ma’am, cat karma isn’t a bad thing. It’s a gift.”
“You’re WELCOME” screams the cat Ash had just rescued.
“See?” Devastatingly attractive human man gestures to the rescue cat. “You saved the Rescue Cat God and you got thanked.”
“Why here?! Why now?!” You turn angrily to your savior- who scratches mournfully at the carrier door.
“You rescued me from the storm drain, then spent three hours researching the best shelter to take me to all while crying your eyes out,” the rescue cat god(?) squints affectionately at Ash. “That’s a level of dedication and respect I could only return through this divine act.”
“Thank her,” whispers nameless six pack with legs and muscular arms.
“Thank you,” Ash tries to bow but ends up lying down. The rescue cat… god… seems to understand anyway. “But I don’t want to be a cat.”
“I brought you to Luka,” the rescue cat chides, “don’t be ungrateful.”
“No, he’s great. Super amazing. It’s just that as a cat I can’t um, fully appreciate him.” Ash glances at Luka, who is biting his lips to keep from smiling and failing at it. He even looks cute like that.
“OH.” Rescue cat looks speculatively at Luka’s chiseled abs through his tight T-shirt. Looks down his pants to his sneakers, then back up to his bitten-lip smile. “I don’t get it, but okay.”
“How about this?” Luka reaches out and picks Ash up, which would be a bit mortifying except he’s cradling her and supporting her back and rubbing her side and Ash hates that she loves it, so she doesn’t complain as he carries her over to the rescue cat god on the exam table. “You can turn Miss-?”
“Ash.”
“-Ash back into a human lady again, and I’ll take her out to lunch. For you.” Luka winks at Ash. She watches in realtime as he realizes he winked at a cat.
Ash doesn’t even feel the change. One minute she’s a cat, the next she’s an adult human woman in the arms of freakin Black Thor. She does not- by force of will- say ‘hello beautiful.”
“Hello beautiful,” Luka breathes, and Ash feels her cheeks heat. He stares at her, and Ash realizes he hasn’t put her down, or dropped her, or anything. They stare into each other’s eyes.
“I can stand on my own,” Ash is eased to her feet and for just an instant Luka’s fingers drag against her hips, then he pulls back sharply.
“Wow,” he puts a hand over his mouth for a second, then nods a few times. “I mean you were a pretty cat, but damn.”
Rescue cat meows. Loudly.
Luka shakes it off and moves around Ash to the carrier, releasing rescue cat god, who rubs her tabby head against his chest and hand before turning grey eyes to Ash.
“Okay,” rescue cat god says thoughtfully. “Go to lunch with Luka. I’m going to live in the crawlspace under your house until I figure out what to do for you.”
“My building doesn’t allow pets or I would keep you,” Ash blurts and feels like an idiot.
“Oh!” Rescue cat god considers her. “Do you… want a cat?”
“I mean yes?” Ash shrugs at Luka as though this is a stupid question. He is nodding back agreeably.
“I already have the last person you cat karma’d,” Luka tells the cat god. “We’re chill.”
“How is he?” Rescue Cat God sits comfortably on the metal exam table and wraps her tail around her paws. Ash idly starts petting her, which she seems to like.
“He’s good! He’s good. He yells out the window at birds and demands fresh salmon.” He huffs a laugh. “He’s a good dude. He also keeps an eye out for me. He’s an attack cat.”
“Good good.” Rescue Cat God looks thoughtfully at Ash, who is reeling from the fact that someone else probably chose to stay a cat.
As if reading her mind, Luka grins.
“Guy was a PHD NYU kid. One of those gifted-and-talented types, working himself to death to make his daddy proud or something.” He shrugs. “He was gonna jump off the Brooklyn Bridge but saw Ressie was hungry. Used the last of his money to buy her some cat food, dumped his problems on her and she turned him into a cat and brought him to me.”
“And now you can talk to animals?” Ash hadn’t imagined he could be more attractive.
“No, but I can understand and speak to any animal who wasn’t born an animal you know? So I can always tell if someone is… polymorphed.”
“Polymorphed.” Ash can’t believe her luck. “You play D&D?”
“Hell yeah, I’m a paladin.” He grins, then turns a bit guarded, “…you?”
“Warlock.”
“Oh thank god you’re not a rogue.”
“Yeah!” They’re laughing and smiling, and Ash is still petting the rescue cat god, and Luka keeps getting more and more attractive.
“What is a Warlock?” The God of Rescued Cats asks thoughtfully.
Luka’s eyes widen, your eyes widen back. You both turn to look at her, and she swishes her tail.
“Someone… gifted powers… by a God or Devil.” You turn to look speculatively at Luka.
“I’m a Paladin,” he insists, almost petulantly.
“Sure you are,” you grin. And somehow when you look down at the squinting Rescue Cat God you know she is grinning too.